home SWEEEEEEET home

Well, I'm finally getting around to writing my final word on London and my summer. I've been home for almost two weeks now, and I'm loving it. I probably should have written this sooner, but I needed some time to be removed from my experience before writing about it. I've been trying to think of a way to sum it all up...not an easy task. I've spent the last two weeks hiking, watching the olympics, indulging in afternoon naps, and eating an incredible amount of otter pops. I've caught up with a few friends and spent lots of time with my family. I start school on Monday, and I'm starting back up at the children's museum next week. Normal life...ahhhhhh. I'm sure I'll be sick of it in no time, but for now I am very content to be here. People say happiness comes from within, and I really understood that when I was finished with this job. I've known that forever; I've heard it forever. But it wasn't until I lived in a situation that could have been perfectly happy and wonderful, but wasn't, that I realized just how much a choice happiness is. I think its possible to be the richest person alive and be the most miserable person alive at the same time. Anyway, this summer gave me a lot to work on, and being back in my familiar environment, I think it will be more of a challenge. Being in my comfort zone, it will be easy to slip back into routine, back into life as it was before London. I've already caught myself failing to incorporate the lessons I learned in my life. I am trying, though, because I'm pretty certain I went there to learn those lessons, not just to stand on the top of St. Paul's Cathedral or walk through the Tower of London. Going out into the world on my own for so long made me feel a bit vulnerable, insignificant, and overwhelmed. It's a big place with a lot of problems and a lot of opportunity. After spending time in the fast paced, high stress world of the big people, I'm pretty content to be a little person. I don't need all that. I do want to make a difference, and I do want to live an active, purposeful life. I just don't need to live an elaborate life. Simplicity is grand. This was an amazing summer, and I am so lucky. Or rather, blessed. I prefer to say blessed. I'm really glad to be home, and I'm really glad that I went. It'll be something that I keep looking back on and keep learning from. And there you have it! Not as in depth or insightful as a conclusion to such a summer should probably be, but there you have it. I'll divulge more to anyone who asks, especially if you want to see my pictures.... :D I'm not entirely done blogging, I don't think. I won't have quite as interesting things to post about, but you never know! So, keep checking if you are interested in the goings on of the life of Hannah. Thanks everyone for all your support and love in everything I do. I love you all!

Counting Down

Once again, I am sort of at a loss for words. Time is winding down here; in five days I'll finally be back in Utah, and a week from right now, I'll be finished with this job. The last couple of weeks I've spent time in some incredible places, such as New York City, upstate New York, and Nantucket. My time in New York City has mostly been limited to toy stores and candy shops, since my shopping/exploring buddies are all eight and under. Those stores have been loads of fun, though! My favorite is F.A.O Shwartz, which features the giant piano from the movie "Big". There's a guy dressed up like a toy soldier at the door, and there are all sorts of demonstrations and goings-on there. The candy shop we went to, Dylans, reminded me of Willy Wonka's shop in that movie, where kids are running around laughing, there's music and more candy than you could ever imagine. Once again, lots of fun. We wandered through a bit of Central Park the other day and had a picnic on a hill overlooking a carnival. On our way to the airport in London, the taxi driver said he'd recently been to New York, and it felt familiar because you see it so much in the news and in movies and shows. It's true, New York does have a familiar feel to it. We spent a week in Nantucket, staying with Farran's friend, Allison. Allison has two positively lovely children. Her 5-year-old boy can be a little rowdy, but these kids listen to their mother, respect her and each other, and play nice...I almost wept with joy. The girls I watch were particularly difficult, unfortunately. Except Little Farran. On our second day there, she fell and cut her leg just below her knee and had to get six stitches. She was sweet all week! Well, her knee is better now, and so she's back to her old self....sigh. The twins were absolute misery because they decided that staying at a friend's house meant they should scream particularly loud, be particularly disrespectful, be particularly picky, and say a particularly large amount of swear words. By the end of the week I was entirely ready to be done with the job and gave Farran my last day--August 8th. Besides the difficult children, though, Nantucket was lovely. It's a beautiful little island, quaint and charming. The beaches were nice, the temperature livable, and the town enjoyable. I had a precious five or six hours to myself the whole week, and I didn't really know what to do with myself during them! Three were on Friday, when FINALLY all of the kids went to camp. Usually at least one found an excuse to stay home. The moms went out to run some errands and I was alone. Then, on Sunday, they went to the beach for a few hours and I stayed home. My days off lately haven't been much of days off, which has made the weeks feel a bit longer, but I only have six days left so I can handle it. We came back to New York on Monday, after having to drive through a couple states to get there since our flight straight to New York was cancelled. We spent three days there. Farran was really busy, so the girls and I spent a lot of time watching cartoons and going to their favorite stores...over and over and over again. I never EVER want to see another lame cartoon. Whatever happened to Pinky and the Brain and Ninja Turtles? Seriously. Anyway, that was rather mind numbing, but the shopping was fun. Until we went clothes shopping...at the same store...for three hours. I've had a headache ever since. Anyway, yesterday we finally headed out for the country. The ride up here was a little rough with rowdy, tired, irritated children, but once we got here, things settled down. Meaning, tempers settled down. The kids have been non-stop playing, which has been great. I don't really have free time, but my time is spent less trying to get them to stop beating each other up and screaming at each other and more making sure they aren't breaking anything. I much prefer the later. We'll be here in Millbrook until either Sunday evening or Monday morning. I'm crossing my fingers for Monday morning since everyone gets along better here. Little Farran gets her stitches taken out Monday afternoon, and Tuesday evening we fly for Utah! I've been trying really hard to not have a negative attitude, but I would be lying (which I try even harder not to do) if I said I wasn't positively ecstatic to be finished with this. Like I said before, I don't regret doing it. It's been good, and I've learned a lot, and I do love these kids. I just need a break from them. A long break. A really long break. Anyway, I'm surviving, and things are much better here at their country house, so I think I'll make it home alive. I've been more focused on hanging onto my sanity than taking pictures, so I have a very pitiful amount of them, especially for New York. Hopefully I'll get another chance to walk around, and I'll be certain to get my camera out.

State of Mind

Im going slightly mad
Im going slightly mad
It finally happened - happened
It finally happened - ooh oh
It finally happened
Im slightly mad
Oh dear

Im one card short of a full deck
Im not quite the shilling
One wave short of a shipwreck
Im not my usual top billing
Im coming down with a fever
Im really out to sea
This kettle is boiling over
I think Im a banana tree
Oh dear

Im going slightly mad
Im going slightly mad
It finally happened - happened
It finally happened - uh huh
It finally happened
Im slightly mad
Oh dear

Ooh ooh ah ah
Ooh ooh ah ah
Im knitting with only one needle
Unravelling fast its true
Im driving only three wheels these days
But my dear how about you

Im going slightly mad
Im going slightly mad
It finally happened
It finally happened - oh yes
It finally happened
Im slightly mad
Just very slightly mad

And there you have it.

(lyrics and music by Queen)

Yes. And there you have it. I...I don't really have anything else to say.....

Quicky

I thought that once we were in Nantucket I'd have a little free time. The kids, after all, were scheduled to be in camp from 9 am to 3 pm. Well, I didn't count on one child with a double ear infection and another going to the emergency room to get six stitches, therefore both staying home for the rest of the week. Nor did I count on the kids opting out of camp to stay home and torture me--er--I mean...play. The point is, I've been a lot more busy than I counted on. Especially in the last day or two, I've had the song "I'm Going Slightly Insane" by Queen stuck in my head. The twins have been particularly abusive lately, and I'm afraid my energy for them is entirely depleted. Little Farran has been pretty sweet since she got her stitches, partly because she's more or less helpless (they are on her knee, so she doesn't walk--she hobbles) and partly because everyone has been paying attention to her to make her feel better about having her holidays disrupted by a semi-serious injury. I feel like my being here is almost entirely pointless because the girls won't listen to me and they are entertaining themselves by playing with the kids of the woman whose house we're staying in. I guess I've seemed somewhat melancholy because Farran (mom) asked me what was wrong. I told her I was missing home and family. Telling her that did about as much good as telling her that this job is stressful. "Once you're home, you'll be wishing you were back here!" She keeps telling me I shouldn't be homesick and no sooner will I be back with my family that I'll be sick of them, that I should enjoy seeing all these beautiful houses that we've been staying in. I should enjoy the houses...because that's the only part of the vacation I see. I'm not saying that I should get to go off and play and such, because this my job and I'm getting paid for it. (Actually she hasn't paid me in about six weeks...but she promises she will...) It's just not very much fun lately. Sitting around the house babysitting sick kids isn't exactly thrilling. And the twins really are abusive. Sometimes physically, but most of the time emotionally and mentally. I'm not really taking offense to their words, just to the fact that they are allowed to say those kinds of things to me with little to no fear of getting in trouble for it. And even then I'm not really taking offense, I'm just getting worn out. I'll try and post something a little more detailed and hopefully some pictures soon, but we'll see. So far I haven't taken too many pictures, since mostly all I've seen has been the inside of houses. Anyway, less than two weeks to go. If anyone is willing to have a get-away car ready for me at the airport, I may be willing to pay handsomely for it. Say, two dozen applesauce chocolate chip cookies?

Farewell to London

I'm writing this a little premature, but I'll only be in London for about another 36 hours and I'm not sure, with all the busy business of packing three girls for a two month vacation, that I'll get another chance. Well, my heavens what a time its been these past ten weeks. Ten doesn't seem like a very big number, and in some ways I feel like I've just barely unpacked, and now here I am repacking. The last little while that I've walked around our neighborhood or gone to some of the places I frequent the most, I've begun to realize how used I got to being here. When I walked through Kensington Gardens for the last time yesterday, I slowed down a little and tried to enjoy it a little more than usual. The food here hasn't been awful, but its taken some getting used to; today I realized that it will probably take some getting used to eating American food again. Having done without so much of the things I was so used to, like peanut butter and regular bread, I wonder if I'll even like them still. This past week was especially hard for me. With the girls out of school, I'm a lot more busy at the house. For some reason, being on summer holiday hasn't made their attitudes much better. In fact, they've been particularly difficult recently. Their mom doesn't quite understand how stressful it is for me, or how exhausting. The second they get too annoying for her, I'm in charge and she's suddenly very busy... which is fine. That's what I'm paid for. Sometimes I just find it so tiring that I have to steal away for a few minutes to regain my energy. I think the next few weeks, traveling to New York and Nantucket, will be exciting and lots of fun. I just have no idea how me and Farran are going to lug seven huge suitcases all over the place. I sort of feel like she just packed the things that were in the way, things that she wanted to get out of their closets so they would look neat. I'm not sure we're carrying anything they'll really need. But I'm just the help, what do I know. Ten weeks is a long time to be away from home. At least it is for me. It's a long time to be out of place. Its a long time to be at work. I'm still on the job for at least three more weeks, maybe four. Leaving London still feels like some sort of conclusion, though. I won't go through all the things I learned while being here, partly because there are far too many, and partly because I've already burdened you with them in previous posts. No, I think all I really have to say is that it's been good. Not easy. Good. It's been difficult; one of the hardest things I've ever done. I don't regret coming, though. I know before I left people would say things like, "Oh I've heard horror stories about nannies getting terrible familys" etc, etc. I heard that a lot. And some days I am pretty certain that this is the most horrific thing I've ever done. Some days its all I can do to put on a smile and not beg Farran to send me home on the next flight to Salt Lake. But I don't regret it. I got myself into this, and I think I needed it. I don't think I could have learned so much or grown so much as I have since getting here. Even reading in my journal or through the beginning of my blog, I can tell I'm a different person now than I was on May 5th, before I got on that plane. I hope its a good thing. I'm pretty sure its a good thing. I haven't been able to relax and be myself other than in my own company; I haven't been much of a personality since I'm constantly either at work or exploring by myself. I wonder if when I get home all I'll be able to do is sit on the couch and stare at the wall and slowly unwind. Or perhaps going so long without having a personality, simply being the nanny, will make me even more energetic and social when I get back. Besides that, I think the changes have been good. I sort of know what I'm looking for from life. I guess I sort of knew before, but the details of it aren't quite so hazy. I'm sort of at a loss as to what to say about leaving London...I'll miss it, but I don't know that I'll feel a desperate need to come back for a while. I'm excited for something new, and after that, I'm ridiculously excited for home. I always thought the phrase "home is where the heart is" was somewhat trite and cliche, but now I feel like that phrase is me in a nutshell. Three weeks. I can make it.

Give me liberty or give me...chocolate and a hot bath!

Don't be alarmed, but I think I may have seriously overdosed on chocolate today. In England, they call 999 for emergencies, so if worse comes to worse, I know how to get myself help. Actually, I am quite enjoying the aftertaste of the last half hour or so. You see, today was the girls' last day of school. Little Farran has a half day tomorrow, but basically today was it. So, I had a very good reason to go back to Patisserie Valerie and get myself another enormous chocolate eclair with chocolate cream. I cannot describe to you the glorious deliciousness that it was. The utter contentment of the moment...it was beautiful. After doing the necessary chores around the house this morning, and after Farran was off for a big meeting and the girls were off to school, I pulled on my hoodie, my hat, my tennis shoes, and grabbed my umbrella and went out into the rain that has been pouring for the last three days now. Besides Patisserie Valerie, I had another errand to run. My aunt is making chocolates and I had a few chocolate shops to visit while being in London that had very special flavors (rose and violet in particular). So, not only did I have the eclair to eat today, I had to (HAD to) sample the chocolates, as well as some I bought yesterday from another store. It was a messy job, but I think I handled it quite well. Along with the chocolate fix, I also had myself a very long, very hot bath as it may be one of the last times I get to wash until we get to America. It's incredibly difficult to shower while the girls are home because they think it is hilarious to walk in on me, and since the bathroom doesn't lock...well, generally I just wait until they are at school. Since there is no more school, though... Anyway, suffice it to say, this morning and afternoon have been my way of mourning/celebrating the last day of school. I plan on cuddling up in my bed and reading the last book of the Chronicles of Narnia until I have to go pick them up from school. I'll probably post at least once more while in London, but after that I'm not sure what my internet situation will be. Stories about New York and Nantucket may have to wait for a while.

Social Rehabilitation

It has recently occured to me that I have been almost entirely absent from any sort of social scene the past two and a half months. This hasn't bothered me too much, other than missing hanging out with friends and family, but upon realizing it, I've begun to see the effects its had...I've laughed at myself quite a lot for it actually, because its rather pathetic. I mean, I'm not exactly socially talented anyway, but after two months of interacting with no one but children and my employer, it's gotten even worse. Think of the most socially awkward person you know or can imagine, and then picture someone worse, and that's me. My friend Rachel is studying in London, and the last few days she was here before going home for her summer holidays, I helped her move to her new flat. The poor thing, I only realized now how terrible that must have been for her. I was terrible company! Being alone a lot, I'm perfectly content to sit in silence. I think that most people feel the need for conversation when they're with someone else, especially if they're friends. And I've more or less lost my conversation skills. I find myself trailing off my sentences, or stopping in the middle of a thought and finishing it in my head, or just babbling off on something no one but me is interested in, long after people have stopped listening. I'm sort of a background person here; people notice me and acknowledge me, such as the other moms and nannies, but I'm not really significant at all. A background person. And that's okay, temporarily. The only thing is that it sort of shoots me off to another planet, because I do have a brain (sometimes I wonder, but I'm pretty sure its up there) and it wanders when its not engaged in some sort of interaction. Wow, I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I guess as long as I'm on the subject of social alienation, I might as well: I have caught myself quite frequently having conversations with myself as I walk down the street--out loud. Now this wouldn't be so bad at home where there aren't all that many people, but London is a bustling city with tons of people on the street almost all the time. Yeah...fortunately they are generally pretty quiet conversations, but they are nonetheless out loud. Or I'll catch myself humming or singing or whistling, and not realizing it (all the while wondering why people are looking at me funny). On my Stonehenge trip, I made a few friends, which I think I mentioned in that post. One of them, Brad, is studying in London, so he gave me his number so we could hang out. It took a while for me to get a chance to set something up with him, but today we finally got together. Oh my. The poor guy. He and one of his friends, a cute girl named Natalie, met me at Fortnum and Mason and we did a little chocolate shopping before heading to Leicster Square and China Town to meet another of their friends and to go to lunch. My brain sort of shorted and suddenly I had nothing I could think of to say to anyone. I know its sort of just like that when you're with people you don't really know, but its worse for me now because when I don't have something to say, my mind wanders off and I start thinking about all sorts of nothings, and I miss half the conversation and look spacey or uninterested. I think its a bad sign if people keep asking you if you're okay during conversations, like Brad did at lunch. Oops! So, I will beg everyone's patience when I come home. Ease me back into the world of normal people that socialize. Rehabilitate my neglected social skills and soon enough I'm sure I'll be able to carry on a decent conversation without slipping into my own reverie and imagination. Maybe. I'm not making any promises ;)