I am tired, sick, frustrated, and missing home terribly, but I couldn't really ask for more. I like to think of myself as having it together. You know, smart enough to know that I'm not all that smart, and therefore willing to learn and be open. Well, in thinking myself such, I realized that I'm not. I've been feeling like I've been doing a good job of being understanding of the girls, but not letting them get away with things. I've been feeling like things have been pretty balanced here; it's a challenge at the house with the girls, but its been countered by all the incredible experiences I've had and the things I've been able to see. I know for a fact that I am one of the most
blessed people in the world; I have a job, a home, a great family, wonderful friends, money in the bank and in my wallet, a car, an education, an opportunity for more education, etc. etc. etc. The list of my blessings is off the charts. Which is why it bothers me that I've been a little...down lately. Not depressed, just a bit subdued. Working with these kids is no easy task, and it hasn't gotten any easier since I started. In fact, its gotten steadily harder. I'd go into details but, as those that get emails from me regularly can attest, I've got a lot to say on the subject and could go on for ages. I'll sum it up to this: I was talking to a gorgeous girl in my ward, Emma, who works with the stake primary presidency. She was asking me about my work and I said these girls are pretty spoiled. She mentioned how fitting a word "spoiled" is, and I've thought a lot about that. It's actually a really sad word.
Something wonderful, like a flower or a peach, is spoiled when either it is neglected or mistreated or not allowed to grow in the way it should. Kids are spoiled when their upbringing and their environment prevents them from being the tender hearted, sweet, gentle little lights they came into the world as. Children aren't born spoiled. They aren't born prejudice or rude or ungrateful. It breaks my heart that the world can spoil them and make them bratty little hellions. Okay, so that wasn't very summed, but anyway. I've been subdued the last few days because I feel somewhat helpless, as I've sort of felt since I got here. Now, though, I'm helpless and tired, and therefore a bit less resiliant. I feel helpless because I have absolutely no authority with these girls; the second I ask them to do something they don'
t like or tell them they can't have/do something they want, they scream and run off to mommy. "Hannah's being mean!" I started out, six and a half weeks ago, thinking that as long as I was consistent and patient and enthusiastic and understanding, things would improve. I've sort of gotten walked all over for my efforts. Now I've come to a point where I need to make a decision: do I push through these next weeks in the attitude that it'll be over soon enough, and hey, I get to explore London, or do I start fresh and risk getting shot down for it? I like to think of myself as a strong and determined person, and certainly not one to give up or avoid something just because its a little risky. Its just that anything I establish with these kids is entirely dissolved the second their mom or dad walks in the door, and they revert back to screaming and disrespect. I won't be here long enough to change the way they've been doing things for the past eight years, s
o is there much point in wearing myself out being an energetic, walked-all-over nanny? I know what the solution is for the behavior here--actual punishment rather than threats. They are smart kids, they understand consequences. They also can figure out how far they can push things before a real punishment will happen. They can push it and push it and get plenty of threats without actually having more of a consequence than an annoyed mother and an exhausted nanny. I know all this sounds horribly pessimistic. Don't worry, I haven't given up or resigned myself entirely yet. Tomorrow the family is going on vacation to Devon, and I am going on vacation to Derbyshire. It will be a welcome seperation, and it will give me the chance to hopefully get over this annoying cough I've got, and get away from these girls and all the stress and frustration they cause! I've
believed for a long time now that "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" (Eleanor Roosevelt) and also that "the last of human freedoms [is] to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances" (Viktor Frankl). They can't get to me unless I let them get to me. I think being tired and sick hasn't helped, but I also need to buck up and not leave my personality behind when I get up in the morning. It's harder in this situation than it has been in other things in my life, but I know I can do it, and I will do it. I just need a weekend in the countryside to convince myself of that. I think it is utterly pointless to blame your attitude or behavior on anyone else, since it is you who ultimately decides how you will react. I think it is giving others undue power over you, which is not a very wise thing to do because it takes away your ability to ch
oose exactly how you will live your life. Therefore, I'm going to go away for the weekend and not think about London or the girls or any of that, and I'm going to come back with a better attitude and more determination. It would be silly to spend three months being nearly five thousand miles away from home just to be frustrated, irritated, and exhausted. It'd be a terrible waste. I found out quite quickly that I wasn't here to sightsee. I'm here to learn, and if I don't actually act on what I've learned, I haven't learned it afterall. So, here I go, off for the weekend with the intention of leaving all ill feelings, both physical, spiritual, mental, everything, behind, hopefully for good. At least, for now...
I am tired, sick, frustrated, and missing home terribly, but I couldn't really ask for more. I like to think of myself as having it together. You know, smart enough to know that I'm not all that smart, and therefore willing to learn and be open. Well, in thinking myself such, I realized that I'm not. I've been feeling like I've been doing a good job of being understanding of the girls, but not letting them get away with things. I've been feeling like things have been pretty balanced here; it's a challenge at the house with the girls, but its been countered by all the incredible experiences I've had and the things I've been able to see. I know for a fact that I am one of the most 
blessed people in the world; I have a job, a home, a great family, wonderful friends, money in the bank and in my wallet, a car, an education, an opportunity for more education, etc. etc. etc. The list of my blessings is off the charts. Which is why it bothers me that I've been a little...down lately. Not depressed, just a bit subdued. Working with these kids is no easy task, and it hasn't gotten any easier since I started. In fact, its gotten steadily harder. I'd go into details but, as those that get emails from me regularly can attest, I've got a lot to say on the subject and could go on for ages. I'll sum it up to this: I was talking to a gorgeous girl in my ward, Emma, who works with the stake primary presidency. She was asking me about my work and I said these girls are pretty spoiled. She mentioned how fitting a word "spoiled" is, and I've thought a lot about that. It's actually a really sad word. 
Something wonderful, like a flower or a peach, is spoiled when either it is neglected or mistreated or not allowed to grow in the way it should. Kids are spoiled when their upbringing and their environment prevents them from being the tender hearted, sweet, gentle little lights they came into the world as. Children aren't born spoiled. They aren't born prejudice or rude or ungrateful. It breaks my heart that the world can spoil them and make them bratty little hellions. Okay, so that wasn't very summed, but anyway. I've been subdued the last few days because I feel somewhat helpless, as I've sort of felt since I got here. Now, though, I'm helpless and tired, and therefore a bit less resiliant. I feel helpless because I have absolutely no authority with these girls; the second I ask them to do something they don'
t like or tell them they can't have/do something they want, they scream and run off to mommy. "Hannah's being mean!" I started out, six and a half weeks ago, thinking that as long as I was consistent and patient and enthusiastic and understanding, things would improve. I've sort of gotten walked all over for my efforts. Now I've come to a point where I need to make a decision: do I push through these next weeks in the attitude that it'll be over soon enough, and hey, I get to explore London, or do I start fresh and risk getting shot down for it? I like to think of myself as a strong and determined person, and certainly not one to give up or avoid something just because its a little risky. Its just that anything I establish with these kids is entirely dissolved the second their mom or dad walks in the door, and they revert back to screaming and disrespect. I won't be here long enough to change the way they've been doing things for the past eight years, s
o is there much point in wearing myself out being an energetic, walked-all-over nanny? I know what the solution is for the behavior here--actual punishment rather than threats. They are smart kids, they understand consequences. They also can figure out how far they can push things before a real punishment will happen. They can push it and push it and get plenty of threats without actually having more of a consequence than an annoyed mother and an exhausted nanny. I know all this sounds horribly pessimistic. Don't worry, I haven't given up or resigned myself entirely yet. Tomorrow the family is going on vacation to Devon, and I am going on vacation to Derbyshire. It will be a welcome seperation, and it will give me the chance to hopefully get over this annoying cough I've got, and get away from these girls and all the stress and frustration they cause! I've 
believed for a long time now that "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" (Eleanor Roosevelt) and also that "the last of human freedoms [is] to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances" (Viktor Frankl). They can't get to me unless I let them get to me. I think being tired and sick hasn't helped, but I also need to buck up and not leave my personality behind when I get up in the morning. It's harder in this situation than it has been in other things in my life, but I know I can do it, and I will do it. I just need a weekend in the countryside to convince myself of that. I think it is utterly pointless to blame your attitude or behavior on anyone else, since it is you who ultimately decides how you will react. I think it is giving others undue power over you, which is not a very wise thing to do because it takes away your ability to ch
oose exactly how you will live your life. Therefore, I'm going to go away for the weekend and not think about London or the girls or any of that, and I'm going to come back with a better attitude and more determination. It would be silly to spend three months being nearly five thousand miles away from home just to be frustrated, irritated, and exhausted. It'd be a terrible waste. I found out quite quickly that I wasn't here to sightsee. I'm here to learn, and if I don't actually act on what I've learned, I haven't learned it afterall. So, here I go, off for the weekend with the intention of leaving all ill feelings, both physical, spiritual, mental, everything, behind, hopefully for good. At least, for now...
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